Accountability Is Caring
Steve Maloney

One of my challenges as a parent of teenagers was having tough conversations with them after they behaved badly or didn’t perform in school to their potential. Holding them accountable and trying to influence their behavior was difficult, and fortunately, it didn’t happen often. Nonetheless, it stressed me out because I wanted to maintain a good relationship with them, and I knew it could be difficult to get them to see that I truly cared.

The guilty will remain nameless, but I recall one conversation that I struggled to have. I preferred to ignore the situation and keep the peace because I knew we didn’t see eye to eye. It’s especially challenging when it’s someone you love. I remember trying to manage my emotions, stick with the facts, and emphasize how much I cared about their future. I wanted them to understand that the decisions they were making at that point in their life mattered. That was the whole point – I cared about them! Looking back, I wish I had relied more on the skills I learned and now teach in my Crucial Accountability class.

In my Crucial Accountability class, one key strategy is to “Start with Heart.” Essentially, this means getting our motives right before holding an accountability conversation and then sharing our good intentions. When you genuinely care about someone, you should communicate that before raising your concerns about their performance or behavior. It helps establish that your purpose isn’t to criticize or attack, but rather to help them succeed.

We want to get our motives right and then share them. Rather than focusing on frustration, blame, or proving someone wrong, focus on what you want for yourself, the other person, and the relationship. Consider these examples:
Instead of thinking, “I’m going to make sure they understand how frustrated I am,” starting with heart sounds like, “I want them to understand the impact of their actions so we can move forward.”

Instead of thinking, “They need to stop making these mistakes,” starting with heart sounds like, “I want to help them be successful and understand what needs to change.”

I recently listened to a great podcast session by Patrick Lencioni, and his message reinforced this concept: accountability is caring. It made me reflect on my own experiences and realize I was being selfish by avoiding accountability conversations, whether at home or at work. I was protecting myself because I wanted the other person to like me and didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship. But that wasn’t necessarily in their best interest; it was in mine. That’s where the selfish aspect comes in.

We are actually more selfless when we hold someone accountable because we care about their performance, their development, and the natural consequences they may face if their behavior doesn’t improve. Avoiding the conversation might make us feel better in the short term, but it doesn’t necessarily help the other person.

Lencioni also offered some good advice during the podcast. If someone isn’t receptive to your feedback, even when you’ve approached the conversation with good intentions, consider bringing in someone else who has observed the behavior or performance issue.

For example, you may have addressed a coworker’s behavior during a meeting because you recognize it could negatively affect their career, but they aren’t willing to hear your message. Another colleague who witnessed the interaction might be able to reinforce the feedback and provide a different perspective.

I believe good intentions are an essential foundation of trust. When we build trust and show we genuinely care about someone, we create a stronger foundation for holding them accountable. We won’t always agree, and the conversations won’t always be comfortable. However, even peacemakers like me can become more confident in having these conversations.

After all, holding someone accountable isn’t the opposite of caring. Sometimes, it’s one of the most important ways we demonstrate that we do care.